kilts proven to be a masculine garment

originally posted on the Utilikilts Yahoo group

some of you know me and some of you don't, but for those of you who
don't know me i am izzy, one of about a half-dozen Utili-chicks on
this list.

anyway, i was wearing my Postal Blue neo-trad and a t-shirt at work
yesterday (retail-- used bookstore chain) and i can hear this woman
coming down the aisle calling to me (she's about twenty feet away...
and she's only seen me from behind):

"Sir, excuse me... SIR!" now, i KNOW that she is talking to me, but i
decide to milk it...(and NO i'm not offended by her calling me "sir"
in this situation, only when people call me "Sir" when looking me in
the face...)

"SIR! EXCUSE ME!" she approaches and i turn around. i AIN'T no guy :)

okay, sure from behind all she can see is boots, kilt, BIG black
tattoos, and a mohawk pulled back into a ponytail... but she thought i
was a guy because i was wearing a KILT. and this is in Wisconsin
Suburban Hell (Brookfield, about a half hour west of Milwaukee).

so, for those of you worried about getting called a chick or a
crossdresser for wearing a kilt, stop worrying so MUCH... sure it will
still happen but not because those people are honestly confused.
People will call you those things because those people are mean and
insecure.

no, it doesn't take guts for a chick to wear a kilt, but it does take
some guts for a chick to do a lot of the other things i do.

izzy

i'm a hard-core Pirate. Yar.

did i mention that i recently ate gunpowder to impress a chick? okay, it was a few weeks ago, but i wasn't even drunk (yet, the drunking came later) but she WAS impressed! (okay, what does it say about me that i would do THAT to impress a chick? what does that say about HER that she would be impressed?)

we were talking about pirates (yar) and she mentioned this one woman pirate that would make her crew drink drinks with gunpowder in them. and i'm like "i've eaten gunpowder before..." so i got out my priming flask, poured about a Brown Bess pan's worth of powder in the palm of my hand, and licked it up. and i lived to tell the tale.

yar.

International Ms. Leather 2005

(this entry was written over the course of many days since i got back from IMsL...)

well, here it is, the Wednesday EARLY morning after International Ms. Leather. Lori and i have stepped down to make way for the new IMsL, Jessi, and IMsBB, Suka. But let's back this journey up by a week...

i left my house in Milwaukee at 10 am to pick up Carolyn (who was vending at IMsL) and Suka in Chicago. i was SO PARANOID that there wouldn't be enough room for the three of us and the stuff we needed in my tiny little car. Carolyn's box of vending material was smaller than i remembered and she packs LIGHT for travel. Suka was sending along as much as she could with Leslie, who was not going to be in Omaha until Friday afternoon. we ended up with a LOT more room than i thought!

No A/C in the little Corrado, but we made excellent time on our way... Mapquest said 7 hours and 45 minutes of drive time... we did the drive in about 8 including stops. i LOVE my car. (side note; i've known Carolyn since 1992 and this was the first time that she was ever in a car with me driving. talk about trial by fire-- three people and a lot of luggage on a road trip in a tiny fastback going nearly 90 MPH...)

we hit the World's Largest Truck Stop just outside of Davenport, IA along I-80. i was expecting the bartender from the Mos Eisley bar to pop out of nowhere and say "We don't serve their kind here..."

we make it to the Redick just before dark, get our room, and get BEER! we watch "Aqua Team Hunger Force" on Cartoon Network. i didn't get the appeal...

Thursday morning greets us with greasy bacon, powdered eggs, and weak Folgers... but it's all free, which makes everything taste better. Contestant meeting at 10 am, and i sit in on it becuase i have NOTHING else to do (it is also at the contestant meeting that i find out that i will have to wear a cheerleading skirt in the opening number of the show on Saturday night. this shit IS BANANAS!) we also take a stroll over to the bar, The Maxx, where the Saturday show is taking place... AWESOME looking bar-- multi-level, glass, mirrors, real clean, nice colors...

Lots more free time spent in the bar, until it is time for us to go off to dinnder at a bar/restaurant/arcade. i draw a crowd at a shooting game that i am playing, and GVlenda Rider asks, "You own real weapons, don't you?" Yes, yes i do... Eric is buying Miller Beer by the BUCKET (five bottles comes in bucket of ice) and i'm sucking down Harp like its water. Friday morning was not the happiest place on earth.

The vendor mart on Friday is slow for the vendors and Suka doing boots. Since the main events of workshops and the finale are Saturday, all day there are people still arriving at the hotel. But the evening gets off to an early and good start with the basket auction in the Redick Grille. For there being only four auction baskets, the baskets do VERY well raising money for the two travel funds. but i have to get up early Saturday for my tattoo, so i'm in bed by midnight-ish... i think...

Johnna of Liquid Courage Tattoo picks me up in the lobby at 8:30 am to take me back to the shop to get my latest tattoo... she thinks it will take up to four hours of time to do, but my skin takes the ink so easily the tattoo is done in one hour on the dot. She's good, but MAN is she a sadist! i've been under the needle for a total of about thirteen hours and i have NEVER felt anything quite so painful! SHITE!

back to the hotel. too awake to nap, too tired to do much, i help Carolyn with her jewelry booth. i think about my stepdown speech... i procrastinate "writing" my speech... (never DID write anything down, but i joke that it will be nothing more than "my travel fund is gone. Y'all owe me a beer.")

The club hosintg the Saturday show is INCREDIBLE (which i might have mentioned but i don't remember since i'm writing this BLOG over the course of many days). the opening number is fun and goofy, and includes past IMsLs and IMsBBs in cheerleading skirts and carrying pom poms...

Great fantasies, great speeches, and also a tattoo contest that kept growing by the minute (thankfully the tattoo contest broke my stage fright before i had to give my speech). Amanda "Pup" Farrell of NJ and also American Leather Woman 2005 won the tattoo contest.

Lori gave her speech first, and unveiled her watermelon-colored IMsL titlevest.

my speech was short, but i only forgot to say a few things that i wanted to say (and i even forgot the "buy me a beer" line) but i had a simple message: Bootblacks are here to serve the Leather Community, and we bootblacks come together as a community of our own to become better bootblacks. (it goes without saying that we have a good time together, too, but we are SUCH GEEKS when it comes to bootblacking techniques...)

So, the winners: Suka for bootblack, which she was unfortunately the only contestant. Breaks my heart that we had such a small turnout, but i met Suka at IMsL last year and we geek out together over boots. as i ALSO mentioned in my speech, i didn't teacher her everything that she knows, but i DID teach her everything that *I* know. so, it fills me with joy that someone that i worked with so closely went on to be the next titleholder. Jessi, Ms. Baltimore Eagle is the new International Ms. Leather. i hadn't met her until this weekend, but i had a good feeling that she would be the one the first time i saw her stand up in front of the room of us to introduce herself.

Back to the hotel for the victory party...

okay, here comes what has to be my favorite part of the weekend because i am THRILLED that something that i contributed became such a successful fundraiser for the travel fund. i had donated three pairs of boots and a Harley Davidson plush bulldog. each of those items raised $25 ish a piece-- NOT BAD! But then came "Bondage Bear"

and because THAT is another story (and kinda long) i end this entry here and have you continue the story with "Bernard, the $525 Bondage Bear"!

Bernard, the $525 Bondage Bear

Bondage Bears are strangely popular in the Leather comminuty, and so a few months ago i decided that *I* would dress a teddy bear in bondage gear that *I* made. my hope was that he would be well received because his gear was hand made by me. i was expecting him to raise $40-50. But Pat Bailie runs what she calls a "Chinese Auction" for one or two items per event... i probably can't explain this well enough for you to understand... someone opens with a bid, say $5, and that person has to pay in that $5 bid on the spot. Now, for the bidding to stay going, that $5 has to be matched by $5 from another bidder (also cash on the spot). if the bid is matched, bidding starts over at any amount. it becomes an interesting way to raise a lot of cash. let's back up a bit. Bondage Bear is cute. damned cute. and soft and cuddly and squishy. Suka slept with him Wednesday night. i slept with him Friday night. he's a good cuddling/napping bear. i carried him around with me all weekend letting people hug him and i was also promoting the auction. i was becoming quite attached to Bondage Bear *BUT* i promised that he would be donated. that's what her was created for and that's what i was going to do.

when Pat called me up on the balcony of the hotel bar to start the auction, i raised Bondage Bear above my head and the crowd broke out with a deep-from-the-heart "AWWWWWWWWWWW!" i told everyone that the bear was a TY brand bear (they make Beanie Babies) and that his gear was made by me.

and the bidding started.

the room went crazy. five dollars here, twenty dollars there, back to a dollar... around in circles it went until one woman asked "Will you take a check?" "Yes, we'll take a check" Pat answered.

This woman had been standing almost directly below where i stood on the balcony. she had winked at me a couple times when she had made twenty dollar bids douring the round of bidding. but this time the woman holds up her checkbook and says "I bid one hundred dollars". DAMN she wants this bear! Her $100 isn't matched, so she wins the bear. i run down the stairs to present the winner with the Bear and to thank her for her generosity. i hand her the bear. She looks at me kinda confused (because at that point i didn't know how else to describe the look on her face) and she says "He's YOUR bear." and i answer "Yeah, and you were the high bidder. He's yours now!"

i NOW know that the look on her face was "You silly girl" because she hands the bear back to me and says "I won him for YOU. He's YOUR bear. I've watched you carry him around all weekend and i know how much you would miss him. I won him for YOU." HOLY FUCKING SHIT. it turns out that there were at least three OTHER people in the audience that were bidding on him to give him back to me as well! Sometimes the Human Race can really surprise you.

So, the least that i could do was have the winner name the Bear. She picked "Bernard". So, when i got back to Milwaukee, i had a name tag made for him in one of those vending machine-type tag engraver machines:

BERNARD
THE 525 DOLLAR
BONDAGE BEAR
I BELONG TO IZZY

he will come with me to all the rest of my events.

he was such a HUGE success (SURPASSING my expectations) that i'm going to make more bears for more fundraisers. i don't expect all of them to be as successful as Bernard (and i don't expect any more of them to be bought for ME) but i have more time than money. if i can help people raise MONEY with the donation of my TIME it's a win/win situation

naked under my clothes

so i went to Harbor Room tonight and i was wearing a kilt and my boxers were pissing me off in the bathroom so i took them off and gave thme to emalee.... and even though i am home i feel nekkid...

Oh, the debauchery!

went to Exit in Chicago last night to help Carolyn celebrate her b-day. i guess it was a good night...

she was running their Fetish Rummage Sale. i bought a pair of boots for $15.

now, i started the night with $30, and the boots were $15, but i was still able to get shitfaced. SO shitfaced that i puked at the bar (haven't done that in about ten years) and took a boy back to Carolyn's house with me... (a REAL boy, not a biologically -female "boi"... but he SMELLED SO GOOD) actually Carolyn has been friends with this guy for years and i have met him before, so it wasn't COMPLETELY random... but still very strange... hmm... when's the last time i made out with a straight boy? been a few years.

you know izzy's drunk when she's making out with boys... but ya know, you need a little debauchery every so often...

the taste of fear

i almost got in an accident on my way home from work today... i would have been sandwiched between some idiot making an illegal move and someone else not paying attention to the fact that said idiot was making an illegal move...

but in Wisconsin you are still at least 10% at fault... for being in the way...

so yes, you are at fault because you got out of bed and got in to your car...

ah, bureaucracy...

i can't believe this shit...

so, we took my car to IMsL this past weekend. i tell Carolyn, "i'd trust my LIFE with this car... it will get us there and back no problem..."

Sunday on our way home we were making EXCELLENT time-- just after 40 minutes on the road we even caught up and passed friends of ours who left at least a half hour before us. we stop at Iowa 80, the World's Largest Truck Stop. as we are exiting the interstate, i start smelling burning rubber. now, with the Rabbit i got used to all the weird sounds and smells around me as probably BEING my car... but with the Corrado i don't have to worry as much... until NOW...

at first Carolyn and i assume that it is the stinky diesel bus in front of us, but i'm not completely convinced. then i see white smoke out the front grille. it's me, it's MY CAR...

we park quickly and open the hood. nothing. lingering smell, but no smoke. we are not overheating. maybe it WAS just the stinky bus.

we go eat. shop for truck stop type gifts... after an hour or so we get back into the car and head out. we even see another red Corrado on our way out (and exchange happy waves). so far no problems...

and then quickly the smell returns in full force. Carolyn sees more white smoke out the front on the passenger side. we make an illegal U-Turn crossing the Interstate and retun to the truck stop. there is a hotel very close by. we get a room and spend the night.

call the closest VW dealer in the morning. "How long are you in town?" they ask. "Well," i reply, "we are ONLY in town because of our breakdown." the dealer promises to get us in ASAP and then we call AAA.

the repair was the serpentine belt tensioner (and the smell was the serpentine belt rubbing and failing). $400 later we are back on the road with a new belt and tensioner. they got us on the road by 1:30.

after dropping off Carolyn at home in Chicago, i finally get home from IMsL at 8:00pm. my car repairs for the last three weeks now total $2000.

but at least my kittens are happy to see me.

i'd like to think that this is true

this is from a link on Steelbuddha's blog

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Fountain of Youth

so, we've got these relatively new shelving carts at work... they are not much different than the old ones; same company (Rubbermaid); same color (gray); same size, still four wheels... but the new ones have drink holders.

Everything in America now has cupholders (to the point where people expect them; urban legend or truth, there is the story of the woman who called her computer tech to tell him that she broke the cupholder... which was actually the disc drive...)

A few years back i saw a commercial for a minivan... holds five, six adults but had SEVENTEEN CUPHOLDERS. now, since when do five people need 3.4 drinks? a PIECE? In a VEHICLE? And by law, not one of the drinks can even be alcoholic...

with that many cupholders, i think that Dodge Caravan had better have a pee bucket tucked away somewhere...

it's not easy being green

Your Amazing Yoda Sex Line

"Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

The Amazing Yoda Sex Line Generator

the simple things in life

i want pizza. i want Pizza Shuttle pizza. i was actually surprised that they don't offer soy cheese pizza (the East Side has a lot of vegans). me, not vegan, but i have low tolerance to dairy. Clare made a cheesecake flan and i had a small piece-- i was feeling pretty OK so after an hour i had another tiny piece... that put me over my dairy-limit i guess...

i also want a twinkie. i don't know why. but now that i don't have a car, i want all of these things that i don't have and can't easily get. i'm so lame. i could have walked to the store, but i'm just too hung over to want to walk that far.

yes, must stop the gin.

the harsh light of gin

too much gin for another night this week... yeah, no more gin for quite awhile. more sleep, less gin...

but my car is back in the shop-- the master cylinder for the clutch hydraulics needs replacing. i don't know if it was related to the rock incident or not-- they didn't say-- but it will be another $700. and i'll be without my car for another several days. god i am hating my life right now...

it's fate; it's kismet; i landed on my keys...

so, in the last couple of years i have built up this odd sort of Karma... with standard karma, if a person does good thing, they will be "rewarded" with good karma. a person that does bad things will be "punished" with bad karma. but in my life, the good is balanced with the bad... if something good happens to me, it is balanced out with something equally (or wose) bad.

but with all the things that have happened in just the last week, i am hoping that the karma wheel will spin the other direction, that my "suffering" will be rewarded with something really good...

damage to my car from a stray rock cost me $900, and they were repairs that HAD to be made (not cosmetic repairs). today on my way to work, the clutch peddal sank to the floor. when i took my car out of gear to downshift, i could not get my car back into gear until the car came to a complete stop at the side of the freeway...

i had my car towed to the closest VW dealership, expecting them to be open today (i called my regular repair shop and they were closed)... they were not open either... so, now my car is at a VW dealership in Brookfield about 20 miles from my regular shop... neither place will be open until Tuesday. Sigh.

yeah, something REALLY good had better happen REALLY REALLY soon...